Good Ole Time Management

 Dear Diary,

To say there is never enough time for everything would be an understatement. But then again, here I am on a Wednesday, a day where I have two classes, one at 9 am and another at 4:30 pm. One got canceled, and the other I decided not to go (shhh). But did I accomplish any work during this off time? Absolutely not. Don’t get me wrong, I made it to the gym today, which is something, but the wifi was down in my area when I got back. Do you think I took that as a sign to go somewhere else to work? Yes, but did I do it? No… Why didn’t I do it? I should have.

My therapist tells me I have to stop should’n on myself. Stop beating myself up for all the things I should be doing. But when I finally have days like this and don’t do anything productive with school, I feel like, how can I not “should” on myself? I have 3 part-time jobs, so I can afford to live in Los Angeles. I am lucky all my jobs allow me to work on my own time, but when is there time to write for a publication opportunity when I’m trying to manage work-related and basic class-related tasks? When is there time to write proposals to submit for presentation at a conference? Both require the conduction of research to report on… who has time for that? 

But let me pause… Because this past Sunday, I heard a sermon where the pastor talked about 4 ways God blesses us; the first way he mentioned was in time…I felt like I needed to hear that. To shift my perspective of time as not being something I am lacking but something that I am blessed with…Wow. 

Something I didn’t mention about today is that I woke up not feeling well. I felt very fatigued and dealt with terrible cramps and a headache. So although I didn’t do any school work, I did rest my body, and I did make it to the gym and had a great workout, though it was also a struggle. I may not have worked on school-related tasks, but allowing myself to rest and recharge is just as important as being productive. So I need not consider not doing school work as wasting my time. Having those days where you can rest or just go with your own flow is essential. Initially, I planned to go to my morning class and spend the rest of the day doing schoolwork since my evening class was canceled. However, when the time came, a new plan unfolded. Maybe I only feel like I don’t have enough time because I am comparing myself to other people; which didn’t I just write about breaking the mold and not conforming to societal standards of a researcher or person in academia? This Ph.D. journey is not a sprint, at least not for me. It’s more of a marathon. I need to pace myself and not push myself to an early burnout. Maybe instead of focusing on whether or not I have enough time, which I now realize, I am blessed with time, not lacking it. Perhaps I should focus on making sure I value my time and make moment-to-moment choices that help me find balance in devoting time to the various parts of my identity. Not just my academic one.

Signed,

 a M.A.D. Black Educator

Breaking the Mold

Dear Diary,

Here she comes again, causing chaos. She’s gone for long periods of time but waltzes back in like she owns the place—good ole imposter syndrome. I genuinely believe I will succeed in life, and I know I can do so much. So why am I still battling imposter syndrome? I haven’t felt this way since my first few years of teaching. I feel like I am more than capable of performing well, and I believe I deserve to be here, but I don’t believe I belong…

Never mind that I was accepted by a top 10 graduate school program in the nation like everyone else in my classes. I convinced myself that maybe it was a mistake. Or that I only got here because I can fulfill a diversity quota, not because of my skill set. Maybe it’s because I applied to 3 nationally ranked schools beforehand and was denied by all 3 or because I am one of only two Black Ph.D. students in my division. Whatever the reason for these feelings, they have been in full effect this year, and it’s only year 1 of my Ph.D. journey. 

It doesn’t help when professors don’t want to help me and dismiss my questions. As an educator, I always tell my students to ask questions, and I emphasize the beauty in making mistakes. I even designed a professional development opportunity for teachers in my district titled Normalizing Mistakes in the Classroom. Yet, here I am in my Ph.D. program, feeling inadequate because I don’t know something. 

Part may be my fault for not inquiring more, but also, there is a part of me that blames my education up to this point for not better preparing me to succeed at this level. As I reflect, I realize that I didn’t have to learn about theories in education outside of the basics like Vygotsky and Gardner. I didn’t have to conduct quantitative or qualitative research and write about my findings. Getting published in the academic world was never on my radar. But here I am with students who have published research in America and internationally. Students who have designed programs that are currently being implemented in schools. Students who are so sure of themselves as researchers and are able to articulate their research interests beautifully, whereas I still struggle. 

But… isn’t that what I enjoy most? Achieving success while resisting the normative ideas of what a successful person looks like, acts like, and sounds like. I shouldn’t feel ashamed that my path differed from my classmates and other scholars. Instead of seeing my “lack” as reasons why I didn’t belong, I should be proud of myself. I am living proof that you don’t have to fit the mold of what a researcher or Ph.D. student at a top-ranked university looks like. Part of Making A Difference includes challenging the master narrative of what it means to be a researcher, scholar, educator, trailblazer, change agent, or whatever you wish to be. 

So honestly, whether I got to this point because I am a Black woman or because I am an intelligent Black woman, I am here, and I’m not going anywhere.

Signed,

 a M.A.D. Black Educator