Breaking the Mold

Dear Diary,

Here she comes again, causing chaos. She’s gone for long periods of time but waltzes back in like she owns the place—good ole imposter syndrome. I genuinely believe I will succeed in life, and I know I can do so much. So why am I still battling imposter syndrome? I haven’t felt this way since my first few years of teaching. I feel like I am more than capable of performing well, and I believe I deserve to be here, but I don’t believe I belong…

Never mind that I was accepted by a top 10 graduate school program in the nation like everyone else in my classes. I convinced myself that maybe it was a mistake. Or that I only got here because I can fulfill a diversity quota, not because of my skill set. Maybe it’s because I applied to 3 nationally ranked schools beforehand and was denied by all 3 or because I am one of only two Black Ph.D. students in my division. Whatever the reason for these feelings, they have been in full effect this year, and it’s only year 1 of my Ph.D. journey. 

It doesn’t help when professors don’t want to help me and dismiss my questions. As an educator, I always tell my students to ask questions, and I emphasize the beauty in making mistakes. I even designed a professional development opportunity for teachers in my district titled Normalizing Mistakes in the Classroom. Yet, here I am in my Ph.D. program, feeling inadequate because I don’t know something. 

Part may be my fault for not inquiring more, but also, there is a part of me that blames my education up to this point for not better preparing me to succeed at this level. As I reflect, I realize that I didn’t have to learn about theories in education outside of the basics like Vygotsky and Gardner. I didn’t have to conduct quantitative or qualitative research and write about my findings. Getting published in the academic world was never on my radar. But here I am with students who have published research in America and internationally. Students who have designed programs that are currently being implemented in schools. Students who are so sure of themselves as researchers and are able to articulate their research interests beautifully, whereas I still struggle. 

But… isn’t that what I enjoy most? Achieving success while resisting the normative ideas of what a successful person looks like, acts like, and sounds like. I shouldn’t feel ashamed that my path differed from my classmates and other scholars. Instead of seeing my “lack” as reasons why I didn’t belong, I should be proud of myself. I am living proof that you don’t have to fit the mold of what a researcher or Ph.D. student at a top-ranked university looks like. Part of Making A Difference includes challenging the master narrative of what it means to be a researcher, scholar, educator, trailblazer, change agent, or whatever you wish to be. 

So honestly, whether I got to this point because I am a Black woman or because I am an intelligent Black woman, I am here, and I’m not going anywhere.

Signed,

 a M.A.D. Black Educator